| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|05:29 am] |
I have been living in philadelphia.....for coming up on 4 years. I remember I moved a bunch of my stuff here December 2k5, went back home for the holidays and officially came back to philly to live new years eve. I can't believe it's been 4 years. I'm only mentioning it because I only JUST changed my location in my LJ profile. Maybe I always thought I would be back to brooklyn really soon so why bother switching it.
weird.
If i do end up somewhere new, i wonder how long it will take to change the profile again.
Really though, I am no closer to having a real plan about shoving off. I seem resolved to want to leave, and then I have a nice night, and see how things could maybe be different in a non shitty way, and it's maybe a reason to keep in a holding pattern.... So much about this past year has been SO different than the 3 before that and mostly in crappy ways. So If I stick around....what do I do to change my circumstances for the better?
gah.
it's almost 6am and i've got nothing. The interweb is streaming episodes of dexter and that's keeping me from attempting sleep.
boo/urns |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2009|09:42 pm] |
thanksgiving....was the most low key ever in my life. i slept for like 14 hours? like an omega level coma in my room where i had a really weird dream where i was pregnant...this must of course have been inspired by a dream monica had where i was pregnant that she mentioned last week.(i wonder who is knocking me up with dream babies)... anyways, i woke up at like 4pm and then ate dinner with my mom at 5, and that was it. no muss, no fuss, no family drama,(no leaving the house) which was cool, but it was kind of a non-event. I have mostly been watching lots of cable TV and getting a little bit of work done and doing lots of thinking.
Like every year my mom asks me to make a christmas list. this year,the only thing that's really occupying my thoughts is getting rid of stuff and making myself ready to be someplace else...even though i'm not sure where I think I want to be. I spent an hour the other night looking at steamer trunks, because if i were to indulge an escape fantasy, i would want to do it hogwarts style. the idea of reducing my life to the contents of one big trunk is unspeakably appealing. I can do without the owlcage... But yeah...lately i just imagine arriving in a new room, in my trunk, i have an inflatable mattress, my laptop, my wacom tablet, my pencil box, my travel mug, my sketchbook, a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, a hoodie, a jacket, my spidey blanket, maybe 5 pairs of undies and socks? a dozen tshirts? my i-pod. I do not think my life requires anything more than these basics. I can fit that shit in one box, right? Is it crazy to want to have everything packed and ready to go? I keep thinking of it like there is going to be a tidal wave or the zombie apocalypse will start up and i will just have to get the fuck out. I want to be ready to get on the bus or the boat or the plane or whatever.
For just under 2 grand I can pay my rent from january up to the end of my lease. I am considering doing this and having those 7&1/2 months or so to sort out everything, get rid of everything in new york. when the times up, be ready to be someplace else.I really don't know... |
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| the questing beast... |
[Nov. 19th, 2009|06:34 am] |
It's 5am. i cannot sleep. I am watching the conclusion to the wolverine/john travolta movie-swordfish....i knew this movie was about wolverine hacking computers for a travolta who did john woo type shit in speeding sports cars, but i am surprised to see a city bus being carried by a helicopter through LA....you know this had to have been a discarded idea for a SPEED sequel.
much more interestingly, the past few day's i've devoured a new novel called "the magicians" by lev grossman. It was one of those books that i could not stop reading til it was finished. having one of those neverending story type moments, where bastion huddles up in the attic under blankets and just reads and eats his stashed it could tritely be described as alcoholic harry potter travels to narnia and fucks up his life royally..but it's really good and sort of makes up for the wretched epilogue of HP. by having a cool novel with a wizard who grows the fuck up but does not settle down in the suburbs with his hogwarts sweetheart. highly recommended, especially to you HP kids out there.
what else to report.
well. i've been sick, like actually fevery and disgusting, but when you feel sick and worn out it affords plenty of time to think...and when i picture my life lately it's like i'm sitting in a room in my head alone trying to untie a big knot...this then reminded me that i could alexander the great that shit with a +2 longsword , but i am also considering less hack and slash solutions to things.
uncovered my favorite childrens book of norse myths, and that's what i'm off to read. |
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| "yes...but i've been out to sea for a long time" |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|01:11 am] |
So i'm in my early 30's...is it seriously too late to run away and join the circus? I remember as a kid I had a great illustrated children's book about clown college. I wonder if they offer post graduate degrees?
I am so deep in winter mode. It's hard to motivate myself to work or to play. i'm just stuck in between. it's like living in my own private taint.
wow...sorry, that was gross... even for me.
just feeling so tremendously blah. and i spend way more time thinking about getting out if town instead of getting better, which is maybe a little fucked up. I have been having such a middle school like desire to be unseen and unheard, i am even considering growing my hair long again just so i can have it hang in my face.
christ.
friends, in the future don't be afraid to resort to kidnappings or threat of violence. It may be the only way to get me out of my room/rut.
I wrote one of my former best friends an e-mail from out of the blue a few days ago. a stupid commercial reminded me of her. I don't normally act on contacting people when i have those bursts of nostalgia. It's almost always disappointing. but, it had been a couple of years. fuck it.
Heard back from her and she has a house in cos cob ct. and is getting married in france on july 4th weekend (which i think is a spectacular FUCK YOU AMERICA wedding thing to do...though she probably wasn't thinking along those lines when she picked the day)
Just kind of weird though. I find myself cycling through the same life patterns and behaviors. the same shit keeps happening, only the names and faces and places are changing. is it too much to ask that old dear friends remain sort of fucked up and confused, and struggling to figure shit out? Hate to admit it, but that's part of what made you lovable.
but, despite being another point of "argh, what am i doing with my life? how does everyone else have their shit sorted but me? " this wedding DOES give me an excuse to get out of the country next year. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2009|03:59 am] |
in the suburbs. I think i watched most of a season of entourage tonight in some HBO2 marathon. I was starting to actually like it by the 5th episode but then it was over.
Now aliens vs. predetor 2 is on....and this look likes a metric fuckton of suck. seriously, holy crap. I remember when I would have been so stoked to see a movie with aliens vs. predetors. but they took ALIEN(S) and turned it into just another ordinary boring teen slasher flick. ugh. So sad. It makes me angry that A) there are ALIENS on earth in the present day, even though the plot of the original alien films is about an evil future company trying to weaponise this alien life form, but B) in those movies..and in predator as well, only particularly awesome and badass characters were able to survive encounters with this shit. and so far, the town small town pizza delivery kid is not selling it. I hope this whole town gets chest bursted. for real.
crap...maybe cabe TV can't cure my shitty mood? so much for operation:escape to the suburbs.
gah. switching to operation:nerd rage! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|10:40 pm] |
Got a college catalog in the mail tonight. But have been too nervous or antsy to really read it right now. Still...my fingers seem like they are creeping towards the ejector seat. I made a to do list and getting my passport is near the top. Maybe I don't need grad school, but i need to get the fuck out, wander around and figure some shit out.
I'm going to have to figure out a trip somewhere, spring is a long long way away, and I can already feel like this is gonna be a shitty winter. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|09:09 am] |
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decided to spend my pre-cleaning coffee shop time to review the digi-painting i did last night only to discover i completely over-wrote one of my files, completely erasing hours of work that i'm not getting paid enough to do. GAH! face meet pavement. |
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| Halloweiner. |
[Oct. 30th, 2009|11:18 pm] |
So tonight, after a long crappy day of house cleaning i willed myself to costume hunt with all the other last minute mischief night shoppers. I could not find "mundane office clothes" that fit me, so my fight club costume was out. Based on my haircut i decided it would not be too hard to just get a spock costume from a halloween superstore. sooooi made myself wait in line to go into a screaming madhouse of tacky shit. I find the star trek costumes. cool. they're on sale. cool. they are sizes large and extra large. boo. so i search thoroughly and then when i've decide i'll DEFINITELY look silly in a big tentlike star trek shirt...i look at the kiddie suits. i figured a kids large was my best bet. fine cool whatever get me out of this place. ride home, try on. and it looks like frankenstein sleeves.
So i got pissed at myself for wasting 20 dollars...and then i fell asleep and missed 3/4 of the fun thing i wanted to do tonight on the other side of town. then i ordered a burrito and watched/am watching horror movies online.
lame. but..yeah. just lame. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2009|09:29 am] |
Particularly tense for no reason this morning.
My usual pre-cleaning morning at Bennas is usually de-stressifying, but today there are loud annoying morning people.
It's gross out. I am feeling an attack of the winters and it's not even halloween. This does not bode well.
Lately it's tough to spend my nights NOT in my room with my space heater listening to LOTR audiobooks.
Oh yeah, it's been really fun falling asleep to/waking up to some english grandpa talking about elves and sauron and stuff...but those tom bombadil songs gave me nightmares i think....
This has been one of the most broke weeks i've had in a long time. Pay day can't happen soon enough. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2009|05:19 am] |
there are plenty of good reasons for staying awake til 5:30 in the morning on a friday night....but none of those things have been happening during the last 6 hours. What has happened, is catching up with episodes of dollhouse, getting myself hooked on fringe and lots of wandering around the same 10 websites.
i am a fucking dynamo.
tomorrow's all nighter will hopefully be more fun/more constructive. |
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| now joni put it all behind you.... |
[Oct. 14th, 2009|01:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bolt bus.... | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sonic youth | ] |
On the bolt bus back to philly, from new york, from san francisco, from oakland...where i think i would like to move to in the next year. Maybe just to switch things up. I dunno. I had an amazing vacation and I am somewhat spaced out from taking a redeye and time traveling and being up since tuesday morning on the west coast. heh. anyways. yeah. amazing place, rad kids, new friends and a scene that feels fresh and familiar at the same time. Maybe i'm jumping the gun, but maybe this is getting to the time of itchy feet where i need to try something new. I found out on vacation that andy gunn is moving to DC, and he's the dude that got me to move to philly in the first place. certainly sort of feels like an era is ending...not that things are really crappy, but they're definitely different.
Been thinking a lot about how i've only really lived in a couple of places, and i'm getting older but don't really want to feel completely settled down. I'd love to get the experience of actually living a couple of other someplaces before i really do feel old and just totally slow down and end up wherever i end up.
lots to think about.
short term. more illustration work for that space jam rock band, igor's egg, maybe more mural stuff once the boss finishes paying me back, and most most importantly. drawing comics. This vacation was the first time i've given myself a break from drawing in a long time. filling my days with actual hang outs and explorations instead of the usual coffee shop routines. But it has revved me up and i'm stoked to draw some stuff that doesn't look safe for toddlers. Brought a new sketchbook with me, but only drew a little on the plane(s)
so much to do.
gah, should probably share stories/photos from the west coast, but right now i can not concentrate. It might be time for a bus-nap. |
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| one of those mornings... |
[Sep. 30th, 2009|09:27 am] |
Gah.
this morning I wok up extra early and could not fall back to sleep, so I just rolled to the coffee shop to stew.
I feel especially anxious. I think it is because I finished that illustration stuff, and I'm all stuck thinking about what to do next...i mean, i HAVE plenty to do, it's just that weird thing where there was a terrible demand on your time and then it vanishes, but instead of being a total relief it's like "oh shit, what am i going to do with myself?"
I really need to get better about letting myself relax. This might seem strange since when i'm working on artwork, it really can be very leisurely and enjoyable, sitting in coffee shops and drawing and chatting. But I guess it's hard for me these days to get away from thinking that there are things i need to be working on and projects that need to get underway.
vacation can't come fast enough. |
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| the janeanne garafolo escape pod fantasy lives. |
[Sep. 21st, 2009|05:18 am] |
So here we are , after 5am, in the suburbs. I've just watched the not so terribly exciting conclusion to a 10 year old keifer sutherland movie about alice in wonderland themed murders. I have also just drawn about 30 doofy smiley faces on layers of tracing paper over bubbley cartoonish sporting goods.yes, really.
Now janeane garafolo from 1996 is having a stand up special. Oh late 90's garafolo, you are totes my dreamgirl.
So. this weekend was supposed to be run around fun time, and it got off to a good start riding with monica and seeign paramedic and the long lost mikey brennan... but....it turns out i am still working on this silly shit, and it's been taking up more time than i wanted it to this weekend...
BUTTTTTT
.....I am finally going on a real real FOR REAL VACATION.....
plane tickets to san francisco BOOKED!!!
holy crap it's going to be good to be .....someplace else for a week.
I really really need to stretch my legs.
ok. sleepytime....if i succeed in not sleeping ALL day i might actually get to hang with new york friends tonight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 17th, 2009|11:39 pm] |
deposited a big mural check today, so that I am temporarily unpoor. or...you know LESS poor. and possibly will have enough money for an impulsive vacation. Monica texted me today asking if i wanted to go to san francisco in a couple of weeks.
yes.
yes i do want to do that.
I so badly want to get the fuck out of here.
This is not a " philly sucks" thing. this is a..."i havn't been to a place that wasn't in new york, new jersey, or philadelphia in 2 years. holy fucking shit!
so yeah, i really need to get away, even if it feels bad to spend a chunk of this money RIGHT as it's getting into my hands. The upside is that i can expect another couple grand to trickle to me over the next few months. This is not a bad thing.
I actually don't know if I have posted an update on THAT situation. It was such a major stress bomb that was preoccupying me for a while, and now, even though i didn't get my money all together, I at least have an idea of how, and when i'll be getting payments.And that is somewhat reassuring. I also have another couple of murals to crank out in the next 12 days. So i'm being held off from comics for another couple of weeks. boo. makes me feel so crappy to postpone the work that matters. Still planning a possible escape from house cleaning. and a potential starvin' artist winter. we'll see.
speaking of comics, I think i'm gonna read some before i pass out.
tadah forever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2009|02:10 am] |
posting much more lately.
hrm. i dunno if this is good or bad.
I went nutbar for about an hour at the first unitarian church tonight listening to naked raygun play songs that were mostly recorded before i officially declared myself "punk". I enjoyed the shit out of one of the best sing along bands everz. I kept thinking that this was my only chance probably to see them in such a close intimate setting, and i tried to maximize the fun. Most of the folks up front were older dudes who were drinking and had gotten too husky to go for it like they used to. hate to generalize, but it's true. most of the folks up front were big and drunk. there were broken bottles, one of which i sliced my knee open on so that for over half the set blood was running down my shin and into my shoe. but fuck it. dance dance dance. 2 encores., dan yemin stage diving and then singing the final song "new dreams" which is my number 1 faaavorite naked raygun song. went apeshit. felt good about life for a while. rode home soaking wet and shivering listening to belle and sebastian. got home washed up, pured peroxide on my knee. checked email. heard from mural lady.
still don't know when i'm getting paid. she's "working on a schedule"
but..is that really good enough?
don't know if i should send her the files that she is missing....
i'm really frustrated and don't know if i should play hardball or what. but it sucks a whooole lot and if i wasn't so physically exhausted i would totally put my fist through the wall. (not like that's extra tough as my bedroom wall is falling apart and there's already a big chunk of plaster missing from it. I'm sick of being broke and performing menial labor.
and you know. aside from all that, i am continually romantically/sexually frustrated.
uuughhghghg.
what the shit. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2009|09:28 am] |
lately i have been having pretty vivid dream and actually remembering them...or at least big chunks of them. This is unusual, I have the bad habit of forgetting most of my dreams, and so aside from a handful that have been recurring since i was a teenager i am missing out on what simple jack would call "head movies"
unfortunately the ones i've been having lately are kind of dark. A few days ago i had a really spooky one where i was executed...but it was like this creepy dare where this assasination squad was trying to not waste bullets and lining people up back to back and trying to put one bullet through 2 heads in one shot. they were arguing on wether or not it would work and i was lined up with some other featureless survivor of some undreamt fight and shot in the head.
boo...
so that was one kind of terrible.
a couple nights after that i had like...a long prolonged dream about an ex girlfriend from years ago. and it was like a really awkward scary one thats not too far off from that one issue of optic nerve where the guy runs into his ex while he has the flu. and it was all like "wow....youve got your shit together....and i.....am totally worse off than when we were going out" so waking up that morning was not what i'd call a humongous boost to my self esteem.
on the plus side, last nights dream was creepy, but in a way more fun way. I was somehow invited, or expected at a satanist ceremony or something. members of my family were there, and it was held in the dining room of my grandmothers old house that was sold like 15 years ago. the cool part was, when the group unhooded themselves, one of my current coffee crushes was there. and i was psyched to have something to talk to her about. "like woah! you're in a satanist cult too!!?? i never knew we had so much in common!"
pretty absurd.
I need to get myself out and clean houses.
I'm still pretty p.o.'d about this illustration money, but yesterday one of my regular cleaning clients left me a 90 dollar tip, so that takes some of the immediate financial worries off....it was like getting kicked in the balls, but then getting a backrub.
anyways. thats in for now.
onward to the toilet brush.
ugh. |
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| fuck all this shit. |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|09:26 am] |
It's chilly this morning and i am wearing a hoodie. boo.
So....yesterday was suppppooooossed to be rad. Like. in theory it would have been. I had finished all the work for my freelance mural design gig and was just gonna sit email the last files. take it easy, draw some comics(finally) and think about what i was going to do with the 2,150 dollars that was about to be mine. I get a call from the mural lady, the over enthusiastic hyper suburban mom who i'm doing the work for. She hasn't seen the files yet but is really stoked and thanking me for meeting this big deadline that i guess not all her artists were able to follow through on. She also starts pitching an idea asking if i can crank it out before the end of september. It would be another painfully goofy, cartoon shit with big smiley faces on it. kind of thing. The same sort of thing i am SO sick of at this point, but i'm thinking thats an easy 500 dollars if i can just sweat it out and crank out the work over a week. no problem. Then she makes some comment about making sure all the artists are paid in full before the end of the year....
wait a minute.....
where is my 2,150, about to be 2,650 bucks??
well, thats not what i said, but i did ask about the payment schedule and she was talking about paying everyone in monthly checks for 500-700 bucks.....and i was sort of like "well we can discuss this over e-mail" because i am TERRIBLE at getting in hard nosed business talk mode at the flip of the switch. so......i got off the phone, and got increasingly pissed off and stir crazy. monica dragged me out of the coffee shop and cut off my mullet. that calmed me down a little bit...having a short long does seem to increase the potential for rowdy behavior. it's like "the roadhouse factor" It's a good thing too, because after that i went with kids to see ingloious basterds, 3 hours of gratuitous viloence and shooting hitler in the face with a tommy gun. just the kind of entertainment i needed after drawing stuff like this:
but of course the 40something tough guy in front of me has to be an asshat and get in my face about us making fun of the previews. I said something a little snarky to him but during the movie we were the ONLY people who were laughing out loud and enjoying it. i know we were irritating the shit out of the guy and i kept thinking that if he turned around again to say something, i was in just the sort of out of character, fucked up, who gives a shit mood to like, start screaming at him or kick him in the head, or...i don't know. something stupid. ugh
so yes. I'm very frustrated. I have been looking forward to this payday like nobody's business. I need to get the fuck out of philadelphia for a little while. I wanted to impulsively buy a plane ticket to santa fe, or california, or...wherever. I am sur i'll still get all my money...eventually. but getting 500 a month for a while is not ideal. It's not the "cool, i can just relax about money for a bit" feeling that i have been looking for.
I wrote the lady an e-mail so i hope to find out exactly when i can expct money. but shit. this shit shouldnt be a mystery.
I have just been feeling so crappy and like such a hack. I tried to cool down, read paul popes essay from one of the GIANT THB books about making comics and tried to get psyched and inspired.
uuuugghh...i was GOING to call out today, but now i have to be worried about money, so i requested a half day just so i could maybe get a cash tip, and still be back to the house to let the cable guy in.
at least by this evening we will have working internet.
ennnnd rant. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2009|03:48 pm] |
Ok,
So, while my computer is taking a million years to save the changes to a ridonculous kids mural piece i'm working on, i suppose i'll ramble a bit on the ol' LJ.....
I am heading into the home stretch of crucial deadline weekend. All the muralistic freelance stuff is supposed to be due tomorrow-ish, so i'm doing my best to get everything sent by midnight. We don't have interweb at my house right now so that means loooooooong coffee shop sits. seriously more than usual even. Yesterday i was at B2 for NINE HOURS....fuck. By the time i got out , my brain was thoroughly stewed in caffeinated beverages and i had to turn my brain off for a couple of hours. Ended up watching WATERWORLD at 16's with josh, monica, nick,steff and morgan. Burritos were eaten and it was really cool to have a social night at the house, which is way less "party" since Z and Chuck moved west. I'm cool with things being a bit quieter and get shit doneish, but i'll be happy f sweet 16s can still be a house for southie kids to hang out.
Ergh. I do have other events to report or comment on....buuuut....my compy is working again and i must force myself to paint smiling happy planets.ugh... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2009|05:16 am] |
so...
i often complain that i oversleep through too much of the day at times. but NOW, when i really need like, recovery sleep from getting pummeled during my moshtacular weekend, i wake up after only 4 hours? GAH! totally bogus.
sleepfail |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2009|03:26 pm] |
livejournal on the go.
Ok. So. I guess i have officially been converted to the bolt bus.
Heading back to philly after a whole week (yipes!) in new york. Mostly I had a good time, but kind of dragged my feet on art stuff. The past couple of nights have been amazin though. The 20th anniversary bouncing souls weekend. Only halfway through, and i am pretty banged up, but really happy about it. Webster Hall, no barricade and seeing lifetime, and 7 seconds again...a rare treat that i try to go all out for whenever i see them because there may not be a next time. Just so much fun dancing and stage dives. Tim barry was awesome. totally cut the bullshit and got off the stage and came and played a song in the crowd. It was awesome because he was able to take a sort of hyped show in a big venue and make it feel close. awesome set. And the bouncing souls? man, i have a weird thing with the souls. I guess i always took them for granted. I've seen them SO many times, usually at shows though where i'm more stoked for one of the other acts(and it's the same case here, as i was REALLY more stoked for lifetime and 7secs) but wow. honestly, they have been playing better than i've ever seen them. last nights show in particular. fucking awesome. They just played the hell out of a really awesome mix of songs and looked like they had a great time doing it. right after cracked, they start going into the opening of a sick of it all song, and Lou Koller comes out and they play true friends will always be there. wow. yeah, just fucking great.
Tonight and tomorrow i will be at the troc. I am hoping the souls were able to pull strings to do away with the baricade though i know that's wishful thinking. Also stoked to see philly folks. It seems like people got up to fun stuff this week and its a bummer being away when summer feels "on" . looking forward to seeing friendly faces in the pit tonight. |
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